May 2021
2021.05.13
Hey internet void. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, but someone on twitter today asked how many
domains do I have and I remembered this site still exists and pictured a tumble weed in my head when I
answered. So here I am.
Anyways, I read my last post, and yeah…. I’ve been in a depressive slump. Nothing clinical, mostly just
sadness as I know why I’m down. Its the same reason everyone in the world is down right now. Quarantine as
well as a break up got me really down, and nothing left to do except go through the emotions and wait for
time to tell for the world to get “better”. I’m sure others are worse off, but that doesn’t minimize my
sadness.
Now, it seems as though things are getting slightly better. I fortunately have received both my vaccines and
see a light at the end of the tunnel, but sadly I know that’s not the case for everyone.
And while yes I’m still heart broken, I’m functioning enough to not tear up when I remember memories or
listen to songs that remind me of him. Still sucks, but thats heartache, just have to make sure to not
suppress the sadness and ride out the storm to see the rainbow. Suppressing and avoiding your emotions just
prolongs the suffering.
But yeah, because of ALL THAT, I haven’t made much progress towards all the things I wrote back in….*looks at
date on last post* …August! FuCK its been a year! Sadge. Yeah mostly been mentally keeping it together
during isolation. :/
Anyways, I’m gonna forget about progress, and just start fresh. Tabula rasa. Clean slate.
What am I excited for right now? Whether it be books, learning, classes, people etc.
What am I currently reading?
tech/career:
– Build your dream network
– Smart Girls Guide to Privacy
– Artificial Unintelligence
fiction/non-fiction:
– HP5
– Field guide to getting lost
– war of art
– WoT 3
What am I currently learning?
Still learning as part of my job, which is obviously still cool and why I love my job, and has honestly been
keeping me sane during this crazy time. But yeah, some environments I got to play around with were Okta and
Microsoft Azure, then I deepened my knowledge on LDAP, and then got to play around with Greynoise. All of
these are integrations for Graylog for which I took part in building the past year. 🙂 Check us out if you so
desire, were open source.
On the side though, I am still interested in ML, it just stopped cause I was in a slump, but currently making
my way through this ML course playlist on YT. And at the moment I’m on lesson 2.4, so slowly but surely ill
get there, provided I don’t hit another slump, but yeah mostly mood driven.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLssT5z_DsK-h9vYZkQkYNWcItqhlRJLN
What am I sharing?
I’m not sure on this one. Took a long break from Instagram, and felt ashamed to say anything on twitter, since
thats where I have the most followers. Isolation will do that I suppose? There just wasn’t much to say or
share other then life suck, heartache sucks, and asking myself existential questions, and that doesnt add
anything to any conversation.
I have been sporadically posting on my
youtube channel, but with no real
direction to be honest. I’ve treated it the way I treat reading books, its entirely based on my mood.
Mainly just sharing what I read. I do hate being on camera, but it kinda helps with my public speaking, but
talking about books is easy and I like that. On a side note however, I have been enjoying
“vlogging” on TikTok. Not really vlogging, mostly just
stringing together live photos that i would take throughout the week. Sometimes theres beauty in the mundane,
and mundane is all there is now. Was surprised at how much I enjoyed that. I dont know why, but it made me feel
better somehow. It allowed me to still express myself I think? idk, im not a psychologist. /shrug But I enjoy
it, so will probably keep doing it.
Yeah, it’s a Jackson Pollock here, kinda of all over the place.
I’m still intrigued by streaming, as I have NOW honestly seen the value and effect it can have on people. I
live alone and work from home, but having a stream on in the background while I work has made me feel less
alone. And im sure that sounds sad and bonkers to norm andys, but who cares. All that to say, it be nice to
have that effect on people. But it obviously comes with its own risk, hence the hesitation even before this
shit show year. But it would be nice to make a community.
What am I even saying?
All this so say that I’m forgiving myself for the lack of progress I’ve made since August 2020. I could only
run on empty for so long, eventually the buck stops. I was hopeful and naive, and had no clue of what was to
come. And my mental and physical health were top priority at the time, and thats ok.
Pointless post to be honest, mostly just writing for future me to read and look back on. A breakpoint for
debugging in the future.
If someone is actually reading this, I hope you’re alright and hope your mental and physical health are well.
Take care. Prayge.
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