June 2021

2021.06.30


Hey hey, update time. June is over and I am feeling unaccomplished. Sadge.

Anyways, in regards to my mental state, I’m okay I guess, no longer sad but rather existential and a mix of optimistic nihilism. It ebbs and flows to be honest. I still feel off. Was limiting my time on twitter and instagram and trying to read books that might help, none of which I share on this post. That kinda weird is on goodreads though.

But enough of that, no sense in pitying myself. Does no good. Future me will figure it out.

What am I excited about?
I streamed for the first time on my twitch channel>! My friend supported me in the chat! 😀 That was scary though, but got over the speed bump of taking the first step. Now just have to figure out what I intend to use that given that i have no followers at the moment. FeelsStrongMan. Maybe use it to catch up on security related news stuff, or my accountability study partner? not sure. twitch is best when theres an interaction, but its pretty impossible for that if im talking to the internet void (much like right now or yt) and my friend wont always be in the chat. Hmm.

Additionally I’m trying to CREATE more. Anything, for now it’s just creating more videos on my yt channel. I hit a wall at first, but now trying to stay consistent and just sharing whatever the fuck i feel like. I removed the pressure of finding a niche and just saying FUCK IT! Basic tech videos or vlogs, or geeky book videos and shit, whatever fuels my artistic expression. we’re all gonna die someday, so FUCK IT! Optimistic nihilism. Maybe ill also apply that mentality to my twitch channel too.

What books did I read?
With books I’m kinda all over the place. no niche. But this pass month I read:

Pretty good books. Building your dream network was kinda helpful. I dont think i read it at the appropriate time though given that I’m on a social media diet. But I picked it up because Cassidoo on twitter recommended it during her live stream, and i thought it would be a good way to meet more tech people. All the peeps on infosec twitter seem to be friends and i get serious fomo sometimes, like “hey, id like a friendship” But yeah idk, there were a lot of interview questions in the book that were pretty specific and I didnt care too much for that format. But decent book.

The War of Art was good. Good to pick up if you need a bit of inspiration and help in combating resistance. But yeah, its written like several post its with inspiration thoughts were strung together to make a book. Some really great nuggets though about resistance and inspiring you to just punch resistance in the face. Fuck that asshole. But towards the end it gets a bit woo woo, and I’m not opposed to woo woo, but it felt kinda out of place.

Cant decide if they stay or go from my physical book shelf, but either way theyll live in my virtual bookshelf on instagram.

What goal am I after?
Fuck what a question. why am i asking this? this is uncomf. Yeah not sure. All i know is I like creating shit, both technical and creative, and I like learning all there is that sparks my interests. Peeps in infosec seem to be 1000% sure they know what they want to do, and it results to getting some overly priced cert that end up expiring in the end. I admire that determination, but I’m not even sure what ill be doing next year. I do like data. that shit is interesting. Part of the reason I got into logging, so much meaningful data if you know how to look. I remember creating networking dashboards that got insanely detailed at my old job. My ex (yes that ex) even thought it was eerily accurate. Pretty funny to watch his reaction. He was a network admin and there i was providing a map to his domain. We complimented each other. He even helped me with my firewall. Sad it didnt work out. Fuck… yeah wasnt meant to be.

Anyways…. maybe I should just try getting a cert? idk… maybe i AM an imposter to the infosec community? monkaW i dont think i enjoy breaking shit as much as others do, building is much more fun and satisfying tbh. *gasp* hmm. need to research what certs actually sound fun, cause sec+ and oscp just dont sound fun, theyre useful, yeah, but not fun. And yeah, more money is always nice, and certs help in getting six figures… which i currently do NOT make, but how do i get there while still having fun? Or do I even need to get there? the few people i do know that reached six figures sounded depressed last i heard from them. Does the capitalist mentality ever actually make anyone happy? Hmm. IDK. Happiness is usually found in doing, its never an end goal.

Yeah, big question, difficult to answer. /shrug

Leaving the gobbledygook paragraph for future me to debug.

What am I looking forward to?
OH! I’m looking forwards to DEFCON 29! 😀 very excited i got the green light to go as part of work, and a couple of days in Vegas, and traveling in general sounds fun, and HIGHLY needed. Ever since I booked all the things my mood has just been better. Still existential, but better. I registered for a web sec work shop and an assembly class, been a long time since i’ve written assembly, not since college. Anyways, hopefully i meet up with some tech peeps and they dont think im too weird. i like being weird, but my people skills have gone to the shitter. :s

Oh! I did buy a bunch of books I’m excited to read, but idk when ill read them. Mood reader problems. I shared some of them on instagram. Ill only list the tech related books I bought. They’re listed in aesthetic order, obviously. Yes I love buying books, no its not a problem.


I’m contemplating writing intentions. Given that I’m a little weird and off at the moment, it will probably work against me rather than for me, like I failed, and last year was enough failure for all of us.




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